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| The joy experienced when getting into the water |
With just under 10 weeks to go until my week long window opens for my Channel swim, my head appears to have imploded. My swimming is better than ever, without a doubt. I am faster and stronger than I have ever been in the water. I now easily cover 2 miles in an hour and see no reason why I can’t increase this. However I have become a giant baby. For the first time the water temperature has been really getting to me, and the worst thing is it’s not even that cold. I obviously feel cold when I’m in the water, but only when I stop. The very simple solution is not to stop. This seems to have become almost impossible for me to do.
Saturday morning and I’m on the bus to my pick-up point with Angela and Keith, I’m already dreading the day ahead. I need to snap out of it, this is emphasised when I meet Angela who is bouncing off the walls with excitement about going swimming. I need just a tiny bit of her enthusiasm and I will be laughing. I haven’t got it though.
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| Freda and Irene delivering some much needed motivation |
As we drive over the hill into Dover the water appears before us and looks really nice, the sun is shining and everything seems like it’s going to be ok. The water temperature has allegedly increased to 14c and all is well. Minutes later I'm covered in Vaseline and sun cream and I feel alright, one step into the water though and I suddenly doubt that extra degrees exists. Angela immediately turns around and tells me off for the water feeling cold, I accept that in some small way I am surely to blame and dive in.
The first hour absolutely flew by, no problem at all, and I am still swimming well 1½ hours in. Then I suffered what could only be described as a complete mental breakdown, or a severe lack of guts. By the 2 hour feed I am a mess and Barry pulls me out of the water, a shivering whimpering state. I’m told to get dressed and speak to Freda. I feel like such a drama queen, there’s no reason for it, as I watch other people carry on in far worse states than me.
Freda specifically tells me told not to be too hard on myself but it’s far easier said than done. I’m meant to be an ex-para, and mentally tough, yet I’m behaving like a little girl (this is no offence to the girls who are far exceeding anything I’m doing at the moment, it’s merely a figure of speech, I apologise anyway). Anyway it is decided that I should get back into the water in an hour, and swim for another 60 minutes to see how it goes.
An hour passes by and I’m back in my speedos hobbling down the stones to the water. I dive in and swim away but my attitude is completely wrong and 50 minutes later I get back out and trudge back to my bag defeated. Tomorrow is another day I tell myself and try to put it out of my mind. There's absolutely no chance of this.
Sunday morning and I’m up and driving to Simon’s house to pick him up for another dip in the sea. After a quick tour of Peckham, totally unplanned but London has a way of helping you get lost, we pick up my girlfriend (and official photographer) Clare, and Angela. The latter completed her 6 hour qualification swim the day before, and for the first time ever isn’t excited.
The weather forecast says rain but upon arrival into Dover it all looks reasonably good again. There’s a bit of a chilly wind but other than that you really couldn’t complain. Freda tells me that I am to get a feed after an hour today and I won’t be told when I’m getting out, just swim an hour at a time. This seems very doable, as it always does until I get in.
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| Quick wee |
Simon and myself had decided to swim together as we are around the same speed now when plodding, he still has the advantage in the sprints but normal pace we’re about even. We both jump in the water and immediately wee. It’s not that often in life when you can openly wee in a crowd so take them while you can.
I finished first and Simon said he’d catch me up, so off I swam. He never caught me. Again I was swimming alone. This absolutely destroys my head. I am surprisingly full of negativity and it spills out when I’m in the sea on my lonesome. All I can think of is how cold I am and how easy it is for everyone else, this is of course not true, but the mind is a very powerful thing.
As I swim in for my 1 hour feed I’m not feeling terrific, truth be known I would have gladly been pulled from the water but this is never going to happen. I swam away for the start of my second hour and once again my head decides to combust. Suddenly I’m treading water behind a wall shivering. I would not be shivering if I had continued to swim, the water genuinely isn’t that bad, but when you stop it’s freezing.
Camilla, of Angela’s relay team, spotted me cowering next to the wall and asked if I was ok, I nod even though I’m clearly not. I’m a mess… again. After much debate about whether to get out or not, I decide to swim back to the start line. This is helped as I get to swim with Kevin Murphy, which on it’s own is pretty cool, but not cool when I’m behaving like such a pansy.
I made it back to Barry at the 2 hour point and was again told to get out, this time I didn’t really feel the need to, but Freda knows best and no doubt I would have collapsed again minutes later. I went to get dressed and was told that I have an hour until I get back in, this is not unexpected but still hard to take in. As I’m getting dressed 2 girls who are attempting a relay in July get out, they are in a genuine state, there’s tears falling and proper shakes. I am a fraud. I must man up.
The last hour of my weekend in Dover was my best and easiest by far, swimming along with Simon and Stuart (a good strong pacemaker) I smash out the second hour with no real problems, apart from a small blip after about 35 minutes. Thanks for not leaving me at this point by the way Simon and Stuart, I may not have appeared grateful, or even been grateful at the time, but deep, deep down I probably was.
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| Remember, nobody finds it easy |
I got out of the water after having completed 4 hours in total on what would have actually been a very good day, if I could just bridge the gap between the 2 hour sessions.
Next week I will definitely swim with somebody, it helped immensely in preventing me from even thinking about stopping, or thinking full stop. It will all fall into place I’m sure, I just need to start being positive and stop imagining that I am alone in feeling the pain. Everybody is in the same place and going through the same emotions, they are just dealing with it better…
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