Rules and Regulations

Blur once said “Modern life is rubbish” and they were correct.

After receiving my free kit from Swimshop I was asked to get a photo for their facebook page. I thought the best place to get this photo would obviously be the pool, so I left for my morning training session with a view to getting the picture once I had finished my workout. The management however, had different ideas.

At the end of my swim I asked the lifeguard to take the photo with the pool in the background, he nervously said he would have to ring the manager to ask. Now I would have understood the reaction had I requested a photo of children swimming, but the pool was empty and it was simply a shot of me holding a towel, a waterbottle and a kickboard, nothing too offensive. Although people are offended by a vast array of things in this day and age.

Upon completion of the phone call I was informed that my request could not be carried out. It was forbidden. I want to make it clear that I don't blame the lifeguard or even the people in charge, I blame the world that assumes everybody is a paedophile. However I was still a little frustrated and have added another mark on my list of grievances with the pools in England.

The rules I am currently a little miffed about are:

GET OUT! YOU'RE 30!!

• I am not allowed to wear fins, unless I am having a lesson – I genuinely cannot see any reason for this one? These are small fins to increase ankle flexibility and work my legs harder, they are not giant diving fins.
• I am not allowed to swim in the over 50’s hour, despite the pool being practically empty – to be fair this one is rarely enforced, but it makes for a nervous hour. I expect to be asked to leave at any moment.
• I am not allowed a photo of me, taken by a lifeguard – I could understand if I was taking the photo, maybe, but the lifeguard could surely see that he was taking a photo of me.

Bizarrely there is absolutely no problem with the following:

• People swimming clockwise in an anti-clockwise lane and vice versa, despite several head on collisions and cross words.
• Incredibly slow breast strokers in the fast lane, forcing everybody to swim around them. To me this just shows a complete lack of consideration for other pool users. I didn't venture into the fast lane for a good 6 or 7 months until I was sure I wouldn't cause too much bother, this doesn't seem to worry some people.
• Kids swimming widths and jumping over the lane ropes, or even walking down the lane ropes. There’s plenty of sessions in the pool set aside for messing around, use them. Parents maybe tell your kids to stop jumping on peoples heads whilst they’re swimming instead of laughing, just a thought.

I actually blame David Cameron for all of these rules, much as my Mum used to blame Maggie Thatcher for everything. He is a very convenient scapegoat and looks like a man who is to blame.

Anyway I’m coming across as a very bitter man. I don’t mean to, but the lack of common sense on display nowadays sometimes gets me down. If there was a little bit more self-awareness and consideration for other people in the world, then maybe the politically correct health and safety nightmare in which we currently live would never have had come to be.

The good news is my personalised swimcaps have arrived, and they are absolutely perfect. I literally couldn’t have asked for more. I think they make a nice tribute to the men and women who gave their lives for this country, and especially to my friend Tom – I hope to do you proud…

The Swimcap in which I will attempt the Channel